When it's never enough to feel comfortable with our lives
As human beings constantly plagued by dissatisfaction and the impermanence of everything around us, we are tireless seekers of external happiness that seems elusive... It happens that when one thing is lacking here, there's an excess of something else. When one aspect falls into place, another goes awry. And there we are, trying to straighten out the "crooked" because we buy into the belief that when everything is "perfect," according to our structured minds, which already have "a plan in place," then and only then will we feel happy and satisfied.
If there's an unbreakable reality, it's that we all want to be happy, and no one wants to suffer. Even though we sometimes mistake the means, our ultimate goal is always to achieve happiness and avoid unhappiness.
Pursuing the panacea of lasting satisfaction, we embark on thousands of purposes, initiating an endless cycle under the promise that happiness is always one step beyond. Thus, we move from one job to another, relocate, and leave one relationship to start another. We buy objects that stroke our whimsical ego. We start families, and we await our dream vacations. We return to nature in search of our centre. We eat healthily to care for our bodies, practice yoga, and chase after awards.
All these failed attempts are rooted in the belief that happiness is based on external circumstances, on a concrete reality that we long for and often cling to. Of course, we overflow with joy when something desired is achieved and materialises in reality! But I invite you to ask yourselves...
- How long does that happiness last until a new need arises, setting the bar higher?
- How much time passes until we feel dissatisfied again because now we expect more than what we achieved previously?
When happiness constantly eludes us as we advance and try to reach it, it's because we're knocking on the wrong doors.
To what extent does happiness depend on our external circumstances?
It's worth mentioning that there's nothing wrong with aiming to create the conditions we believe will bring us happiness. The mistake lies in a perception failure, believing that a relationship, a new job, a title, or a possession inherently has the ability or quality to give us complete happiness. The veil falls when the desired is attained and the awaited slips from our hands. The desired feeling of pleasure and enchantment fades away, and at the same time, a new illusion grows, promising what the previous one failed to deliver. Like waves in the sea, our emotions fluctuate. We become excited and then disappointed, not because the desire didn't prove satisfying upon attainment but because we expect that "having that" will guarantee complete and lasting happiness.
But the cause of our contentment isn't external; nothing outside ourselves is a source of our happiness. Yes, of course, external things may give us small doses of contentment and joy, but the deception we tell ourselves is that this joy will be long-lasting and that our lives will change after that.
Everything around us is in constant flux; everything that arises fades and eventually disappears. An awaited event passes, a beloved person changes, our needs and appreciations shift, and what we once pursued eagerly and tenaciously is left behind, overshadowed by an infinite chain of attractions and aversions that generate illusions and disappointments like the movement of waves in the most tumultuous sea.
Attachment to the transient quickly lifts the veil of the illusion of permanence.
Our absolute dependence on transient things and the attachment we form to them, under the promise of eternal happiness, is the source of all pain and frustration. The quality of "bliss" gained is always short-lived, and its intensity rapidly decreases.
We need to recognise the impermanent nature of reality to abandon unrealistic expectations about the solution that will come, the impact that the eagerly awaited will have, the solutions they will represent, and how different our lives will be if that which is not present suddenly appears.
If happiness isn't found beyond... what lies within?
Continuously seeking external conditions under the promise that they'll solve all our problems is self-deception. Having more or less of what we yearn for is the mere balm that numbs our clear vision. When the veils of ignorance hide the truth from us, we think that things outside, as well as the people around us, are inherently and by themselves: "bad or good," "attractive or repulsive." These qualities seem to exist "out there" independently of our capacity to perceive them.
When we understand that it's not the circumstances themselves that bring us suffering but rather our way of relating to them, we have most of the path cleared. We place in our hands the responsibility of how we position ourselves in the face of inevitable pain.
Heaven and hell aren't external; they are internal states of mind.
We are slaves to what we desire and fugitives from what we avoid if we forget the innate ability we have to train our mind and not let ourselves be swallowed by the thoughts it generates as if they were true.
It is not about being stoic and indifferent or becoming cold to everything that happens around us. Taming the mind has nothing to do with moving away from pleasure but rather involves the ability to know when to stop it when it starts galloping and heading in any direction.
It is about learning to recognize when we deceive ourselves by placing too many expectations in the good that will come, how much we anguish thinking that a painful situation will never happen, and how much we believe that the source and cause of our happiness are always only one. Step further.
This misperception is deeply rooted in our human ignorance. We rarely question, challenge ourselves, or wonder if the way we perceive the world, others, and ourselves is really that way. We rarely doubt that we see only a partial part of the great universal panorama. We cling to our beliefs and make them a cult, a veneration or a devotion.
The intelligent action is to question ourselves so that the obvious is questioned and the rigid becomes flexible. This gives rise to the possibility that the external is nothing more than a projection of our childish mind that refuses to admit that what surrounds us is just an image coloured by our illusions and aversions, by our searches and avoidances.
Clear Mind. Serene Mind. Joyful Mind.
The true cause of happiness lies behind all those veils, beneath those perverse games of illusion and disillusionment. It's the mind that has the virtue and the ability to guarantee us lasting happiness. All human beings can experience happiness under the unbreakable condition of working to remove the obstacles that hinder their discovery. The challenge is to clean the glass that dulls the clarity of our real perception.
The mind is naturally clear when we shed light on the darkness. When we calm that wild mental horse and position ourselves as riders directing our lives with realistic expectations, recognising the impermanent nature of everything around us, leaving behind the unrealistic hope of thinking that an object, a situation, or a person will be the source of authentic happiness. Furthermore, they will be so forever.
Happiness is a perception, and perception can be trained. How much time do you dedicate to training an "appreciative" and "grateful" gaze at what's good in your life?
Therapy and meditation are resources to access those pauses that radically change our view of how we value the life we've been given.
Meditation helps us pause and gain clarity. Therapy energises us to change direction and take action.
Happiness resembles more a state of mental serenity than the achievement of one result or another that we eagerly seek to attain.
Awareness is like a seed that we have to learn to cultivate. The cause of bliss or misery lies in our serene or restless mind. The clearer the vision, the less the disillusionment and the constant frustration of knocking on the wrong doors, believing they lead to the desired happiness.