The Wisdom of Mindful Anger
We often think that there are good emotions and bad emotions, that it's okay to feel this and not okay to feel that... Anger is a basic emotion that has received a bad rap. However, there's a concept of "intelligent anger" with which we need to make contact in order not to "sacrifice ourselves" in the name of an artificial peace that doesn't have a solid foundation but rather hangs by a thread of excessive tolerance that, if cut, would make an entire building of bricks of hypocrisy fall.
Unfair situations, abusive relationships, invasive people, passive aggression, ignored boundaries... all add internal tension and generate a "critical mass" that, when saturated, explodes! Sometimes, that outburst results from the inability to get angry in time and express it.
Sometimes, that outburst results from the inability to get angry in time and express it.
People who don't know how to get angry are the most vulnerable to tolerating the intolerable, somatizing the unfair, and overstaying in harmful places. Getting angry is a "capacity" and, like any skill, should be trained and exercised with awareness and clarity.
This article does not aim to encourage violence but, on the contrary, to prevent the "rage" that comes from silenced and denied anger by those who interpret that staying silent is better than speaking, that omitting fades the obvious, and that the future organizes what truly must be put in its place.
Functional Anger
Getting angry is neither right nor wrong; it is rather functional or dysfunctional. Functional anger is what allows us to say enough!: about a relationship that is not reciprocal or abusive, about unworthy work, about waiting for what does not come, about enduring what weighs us down, and about denying what makes us sick.
Getting angry is neither right nor wrong; it is rather functional or dysfunctional
At a collective level, anger drives us to demand measures and laws, to vindicate values or make generalized claims. Sometimes, expressing anger doesn't change the outcome, but "ex/pressing" the anger in a functional way releases what is imprisoned inside us and is liberating.
When we get angry, we "dignify" ourselves because we recognize that we are not worthy of a certain "treatment," "mistreatment," "aggression," or "insult." The issue is not about getting angry or not but "HOW" to get angry. Many people present valid anger, but the form or the inappropriate ways strip it of all authority. The content of the message is discredited because its manifestation is exaggerated, violent, or inappropriate.
On other occasions, anger is directed to the wrong places... personal frustration finds a passing victim to pour that dissatisfaction into, or it is displaced from one person to another because it has "fewer" consequences. For example:
- Getting angry with a partner who forgives and not with a boss who can fire us.
- Getting angry with the daughter who overlooks and not with the son who, if he resents, disappears.
- Getting angry with the unconditional friend and not with the one who, if offended, retaliates.
In this case, the honest thing would be to recognize this distortion and at least not to harm mistakenly.
Aristotle once said, "It is easy to get angry, but to get angry in the right measure, with the right person, at the right time, that is a matter of wisdom...".
What hides behind anger?
Sometimes, behind anger, there's a deep sadness of being unloving, lack of recognition, abandonment, and unequal treatment. When that happens, as the veil of anger is lifted, the liberating cry that leaves a sensitivity raw, armoured by a feigned toughness, appears.
Fear can also exist behind anger, and anger is a defence and an attack to protect what is considered vulnerable.
Above all, anger must be assumed. Denying or bottling up it postpones its resolution and increases the conflict. Assuming it doesn't necessarily mean "shouting it from the rooftops" under the flag of being "direct" or "sincere". Assuming means placing it in front of me, validating the uncomfortable emotion, and choosing how to manage that emotion maturely. That's mean:
- Recognize the context.
- Choose the words.
- Avoid low blows.
- Do not attack the person. Talk about the "attitude" or "behaviours".
- Avoid generalizations; be specific.
- Seek to have peace rather than "being right".
- Talk about your feelings, not about how the other person "is."
Keeping these items in mind will help you express your anger without "rage". Rage is the salt and pepper of anger. If the dish is not overly seasoned, anger can be well digested and, far from spoiling relationships, it makes them more authentic and fluid. This approach to anger not only preserves but can enhance our interpersonal connections, leading to a healthier emotional life.
Rage is the salt and pepper of anger. If the dish is not overly seasoned, anger can be well digested and, far from spoiling relationships, it makes them more authentic and fluid.
By mastering the art of expressing anger constructively, we empower ourselves to address and resolve conflicts in a manner that strengthens rather than weakens our bonds. It's a journey towards emotional maturity, where anger becomes a tool for building rather than a weapon for destruction.