Loving Ourselves is a Conscious Practice

We often focus our concerns on the quality of our relationships with others. However, there's another "fundamental" bond that deserves our full attention: our relationship with ourselves. The treatment we give ourselves will determine the quality of life we lead.

Psychologist Erich Fromm states, "Illness consists of choosing what is not good for oneself." This concept is enlightening because it broadens the notion of suffering and positions us as responsible for choosing what is healthy over what is not. The healthy includes "everything" from the relationships we attract and maintain, the food we nourish our body with, the information we feed our minds, the thoughts we dwell on, the projects we complete, to the attitude we adopt daily.

Loving oneself is a conscious practice, knowing how to differentiate what we like from what is good for us. For example, we might enjoy maintaining a pleasurable connection with someone, but if that relationship causes us suffering, saying "enough" is the greatest act of dignity we can assume. Similarly, we may not be excited to exercise, but if it's good for our body, adopting that habit is a conscious act of self-love.

In our consumerist society, we confuse indulging ourselves with treating ourselves well. We think that loving ourselves means buying what we don't need and leaving aside what annoys us and needs to be changed. However, this attitude of neglect goes against our fulfilment and genuine satisfaction.

The Practice of Maitri

Loving oneself is much more than "esteeming" oneself, so the term "self-esteem" we use in Western culture to describe how we value ourselves is highly lacking. Eastern wisdom traditions use the term MAITRI to explain how we decide to treat ourselves. The literal translation of this term is "unconditional friendship towards oneself." The word "unconditional" reveals the vast distance that separates us from the East, not just geographically.

In the West, we are extremely "conditional" in the friendly treatment we give ourselves. We love ourselves if we perform well, we despise ourselves if we make mistakes, we boast when we are complimented, we hate ourselves when criticised, we love ourselves if we lose weight, and we condemn ourselves if we gain weight. We give and take affection as if giving a coin to a beggar only to take it away.

Practising Maitri means recognising ourselves as worthy of love regardless of any condition. Far from being a selfish attitude, it is the most selfless act we can undertake. For someone who does not value themselves, it is devoid of true love to give, and there is no more accurate fact than this.

The practice of Maitri must be assumed to be a constant attitude. An essential step is to identify the covert ways in which we harm ourselves: patterns of behaviour that lead us to the same place, self-limitations that keep us stuck without being able to move forward, and emotional, mental and relational habits that we repeat endlessly. There are many subtle and unconscious ways of exercising self-hatred, so we must see beyond the obvious and be honest with ourselves.

Maitri is choosing what is good for oneself: a vocation, a job, a bond, a habit, a song, a bet, a project, a virtue, working on an impediment, transcending conditioning. Maitri also involves assuming a critical but non-self-flagellating view of oneself. It's about working on oneself without demanding too much, not over-blaming, and taking full responsibility when necessary.

Society needs more people to love themselves and stop externally criticizing what they reject in themselves. People who stop consuming what makes them less happy demand healthy alternatives: constructive relationships, natural foods, honest politicians and fair laws. We buy what they sell us, and the consumer is responsible when the offer is questionable.

Maitri is exercising awareness of every choice and decision. There are questions focused in this direction that can help us exercise the muscle of personal appreciation:

Does this relationship add to me or subtract from me? Do I still choose this job I'm used to? Is this habit that I take for granted benefiting me or harming me? If you "visit yourself regularly," as the Persian poet said, you can ask yourself many other questions. Do you dare to ask yourself?

The invitation is to learn to exercise awareness in every choice, assuming that at every moment, we can weave and reweave our identity with kindness for the common good and that of the whole society. A peaceful society rests on the harmony of personal treatment.