Maitri, Unconditional Self-Love
Have you ever considered the word we use in the West culture to talk about the affection we hold for ourselves? Self-esteem.
Doesn't it seem that to "esteem" oneself is somewhat insufficient? Would you tell a dear friend, a partner, or a child "I esteem you"? It would surely fall short, or the person receiving such a compliment could feel more offended than loved...
This scarcity in the word we use to speak of the affection we have for ourselves highlights how difficult it is for us to give ourselves true love. We're accustomed to giving and withdrawing affection as if it were a pair of socks. If things go well, we pat ourselves on the back. If things go poorly, we reproach ourselves, scold ourselves, and get angry with what we did or didn't do.
Self-Love is too conditional in Western culture! Isn't it?
We have a lot of conditions for loving ourselves and, therefore, serious problems with accepting ourselves and being compassionate.
In Tibetan Buddhist Psychology, there is a much richer word for naming love towards ourselves: MAITRI. Its translation into Spanish would be "unconditional love for who one is". And what's most interesting is that Maitri is not just a conceptual definition; it is above all a daily practice to be trained in the monastery of everyday life.
What does Maitri consist of? It consists of learning the art of treating oneself well.
Practicing "Maitri" means learning the art of treating oneself with compassion in everyday life, without self-demands and with a kind of lovingness quite foreign to what our Western culture has accustomed us to.
What does it mean to treat ourselves well?
Treating oneself well is a silent reflection that, with full honesty, each one has to make. We cannot generalize what it means to treat oneself well, as what some need to do may be what others need to stop doing.
Maitri is an act of full awareness, where each one must ask: What is good for me? This is not the same as asking, what do I feel like doing? Since often what is good for us is not what we are most tempted to do.
Often what is good for us is not what we are most tempted to do. Choosing what is good for oneself is an act of full honesty in which, without deceiving ourselves, we ask: Will what I am about to choose have positive consequences for me in the long-term?
It might be that what we need or know is good for us may cost us, not a little... but a lot! Maitri would then mean, lovingly guiding ourselves towards what we know is good for us, and this can include: finishing that pending degree, leaving behind a harmful relationship, eating healthier, exercising, getting up earlier, working more committedly, doing something with that part of our body we reject... At the same time, Maitri can be the opposite: being less obsessive, caring for a relationship that matters to us, eating what we like without being so strict, getting out of the gym if we spend too many hours there, resting, working less, accepting that part of our body we don't like.
The important thing is the "intention" behind the action
What really matters, in the end, is not so much what we do, but from "where" we do what we do. Is it our lucid consciousness that chooses? Or are less mature parts of ourselves taking control of the decision, for example:
My obsessive part that can't stop working...
My lazy part that likes to procrastinate...
My demanding part that won't let me rest...
My fearful part that prevents me from moving forward...
The challenge is to discern when we are deceiving ourselves and when we are telling ourselves the truth when it comes to treating ourselves well. Only in an intimate and sincere dialogue can we decipher what is good for us and what is harmful. Maitri is present in every decision we make, in every internal dialogue we have, in every limit we set for ourselves, and in every action we take.
Maitri is an act of full consciousness at the moment of choosing what is really good for oneself. It is an attitude of self-care, which does not go hand in hand with the results obtained.
Maitri is an attitude of Self-Care that does not depend on the results achieved
In our culture, the word self-esteem has a superficial and less profound connotation. We have self-esteem if we feel successful, if we look beautiful in the mirror, the skinny person likes themselves if they gain weight and the one who feels overweight likes themselves if they lose those pounds, we feel good about ourselves if others show us affection, if we pass the exam that cost us so much, if we enlarge here, reduce there, and straighten something else... Thus, our self-esteem rises or falls like cholesterol, because it is associated with a condition. It is linked to the "estimation" we make of how we are doing and the results we obtain.
Rather than loving ourselves and treating ourselves well, we self-esteem, that is, we evaluate ourselves all the time. Then we judge ourselves and finally decree: "I love myself or I don't love myself," as if we were plucking petals off a daisy.
In Western culture, self-esteem fluctuates like cholesterol because it is always linked to a condition.
The paradox is that when our self-esteem is low, we seek to raise it at any cost and with a high level of self-hatred: we stop being authentic to please others, we take away from our bodies what we think is surplus, we cut here and add plastic to fill in, we color our hair with products that harm our brain, we treat our body in ways we would never treat our pet. We seek more to polish ourselves on the outside than to caress ourselves from within. We harm ourselves seeking to love and accept ourselves – isn't it somewhat strange, right? We have health standards that need to be reviewed, not only individually, but also socially. We follow values that are against ourselves. That is why it is so important to develop what in Eastern traditions is considered the supreme virtue, The Jewel of Discernment (Viveka), to learn to differentiate the authentic from the superficial and truly treat ourselves well, rather than just adorning ourselves.
Do not love yourself poorly
If we are not careful, we can fall into the mistake of thinking that indulging ourselves is loving ourselves, so we spend the month's money in one day of shopping, we eat those cakes that hit us like bombs, we call that person because we feel it and end up dented and crying for a week, we leave our career because we don't feel like studying. We associate sacrifice and effort with harming ourselves! However, how much good we would do ourselves if we exercise the sacrifice of loving ourselves! Sacrificing means "to make a sacrifice sacred," that is, to make a task sacred. And I have no doubt that if each one makes sacred the task of doing well to oneself, not only would we become happier, but in a few years, we would have a more affable and less violent society.
If each one makes sacred the task of doing well to oneself, not only would we become happier, but in a few years, we would have a more affable and less violent society
The self-hatred we exercise, sometimes in more subtle ways, other times more blatantly, is the same we then direct towards others. We cannot be tolerant with our fellows if there is not "one" that we let pass, we cannot have patience with others if we never even give ourselves a minute to pause, it is also not possible to accept ourselves if we are constantly complaining about who "we are being able" at any given moment.
Maitri does not fluctuate like self-esteem. Maitri is a gentle and loving attitude towards ourselves regardless of the circumstances. It involves having patience with what is difficult for us, recognizing our limitations, accepting what is without forcing, removing the drama from what we take too seriously, and learning to laugh at ourselves and our clumsiness. And beware! Maitri is far from being self-indulgence. Self-indulgence weakens us, whereas treating ourselves well strengthens our spirit.
Maitri is to have patience with what is difficult for us, to learn to laugh at ourselves and our clumsiness and moving forward.
One of the fundamental qualities of Maitri is consistency. The practice of doing well and choosing what is good for oneself is never abandoned. Maitri is having patience in our firm and committed process of growth, abandoning the desire to achieve everything "now." The best of us is cooked slowly over the years. Nothing important is instantaneous. Developing habits takes time, and getting used to truly treating ourselves well is a novelty in our Western culture.
The best of us is cooked slowly. Nothing important is instantaneous. Developing habits takes time, and getting used to truly treating ourselves well is a skill we need to learn.
How to apply Maitri in our lives?
First...
Review the different areas of your life and ask yourself: Where am I deceiving myself? What am I turning a blind eye to? In what areas, by doing “what I feel,” am I harming myself? What do I like that ends up hurting me? What do I care am I neglecting? What am I exaggerating or overlooking? What do I have to accept and what do I have to roll up my sleeves and get to work on?
Second...
Commit to choosing what is good for you, whether you like it or not. Abandon the hedonistic idea you have of self-esteem and make choices more compatible with what really matter to you. That is emotional maturity, that is truly loving ourselves. If, in addition, we want to go to the hairdresser, buy something nice, and eat something delicious, welcome! Everything that brings a smile to our face and does not make us cry afterward... adds to the sacred task of treating ourselves well.