Finding Peace with Our Inner Critic: A Journey of Self-Compassion and Growth

Sometimes, we criticise ourselves so harshly that we end up completely demoralised and exhausted. Moreover, we have the advantage of knowing what hurts us the most... and, therefore, "where to strike." Thus, someone who values themselves based on their work will condemn themselves as useless. A mother trying to do her best will condemn herself for what she left undone. Someone who values their appearance will criticise how bad they look.

This is what we do each time we wield sharp criticism against ourselves. This habit often installs itself as a mechanism we are unaware of and activates at the slightest mistake, any minor omission.

I'm not judging criticism as a harmful word in itself. It's about how we use this art of separating what we perceive as good or bad and also the timing of the criticism. Sometimes, it's too premature. We're just starting to learn something and we tell ourselves, "You could do better." We barely draft two lines of a project and whisper to ourselves, "This isn't how it's supposed to be done."

Premature criticism does not understand the notion of process. It wants results and wants them now! We rush to demand too much from ourselves, forgetting a fundamental detail: We are barely humans doing what we can with the resources we have at any given moment! Imperfect human beings who don't always behave as we wish and who don't always achieve the desired results.

Inner Critic: Where does this stringent stance come from?

A psychic instance called the "superego" is built during our upbringing and education. This construction is essential for coexisting in society, as it incorporates rules, ethical and moral values, norms, and guidelines of "what's right and wrong" in a given social and cultural context. That's why it's a mistake to identify the superego as a part of ourselves that inherently acts against us. It's more accurate to clarify that there are people with weak superego foundations who go through life disrespecting others, not considering what's right or wrong, and acting solely on their desires and whims... Of course, this is the opposite polarity of the issue I'm addressing and deserves a separate article.

The superego I'm referring to here is that of people who not only have solid foundations but an entire structure filled with "shoulds," "woulds," and "coulds" that won't leave us in peace! An overly strict education, the wrong assumption that a child should behave like an adult, the omission of praise, and the constant pointing out of mistakes are some of the original causes that may lead a person to be their own worst judge and accuser as an adult.

It's not about blaming our parents, as we said before...we're merely human beings! And here's the news: our parents are too! They're not gods obligated to have everything figured out or never to make a mistake. That's why it's about taking the responsibility to "do and be" for ourselves the most loving and kind parents that our parents couldn't be. Thus, if our "SUPER-EGO" is overly fed, it's time to put it on a diet to make it lighter...

I like to call my strict superego "Jiminy Cricket," I've given it a name and have it perfectly identified. Jiminy Cricket, who acts as Pinocchio's conscience, is highly moralistic and constantly tells Pinocchio what he "should" do. I chose this character because my mind is full of "shoulds" and "musts." Jiminy often tells me, "You have to be productive," "You need to work hard," "You can't enjoy yourself until you finish your tasks," "You have to be useful to others," "You shouldn't say no." But now, I've learned to set boundaries when he becomes too persistent. I say: "Thank you, Jiminy Cricket, but now I need a nap," or "Thank you for your suggestion, but I need a break to spend time with my kids." I've made a deal with him... Jiminy only comes when I call him, when I need his constructive criticism.

It's not about "getting rid of it" but "having it work in our favor. We count on it when it encourages us to excel from a good place, with personal kindness, speaks softly to us, reminds us that we might be wrong, celebrates our achievements and recognises our talents and gifts.

Of course, it's hard work to put it in its rightful place and make it act only when it should. In my personal experience, I renew the pact every day... it's not something to take for granted. We must be aware that it's a tendency that activates itself and can dominate us whenever we operate unconsciously, on autopilot.

Soothing its severity. Making its rigour more flexible. Recognising this instance is the first step towards dismantling the habit of harmful self-criticism. The second step is accepting the severity of our superego and giving it a proper name. The last involves "sitting down" to have a coffee with it and establishing peace agreements.

Undoubtedly, it intends us to be the best version of ourselves... but it goes astray, spoiling it with its ways, excessive demands, and questioning. It doesn't intend to harm us; this part of us learned to be this way at some point... and repeats what it learned until we teach it different ways to achieve the same end. Having our critic on our side instead of fighting against it is the best way to prevent increased internal conflicts. Integrating it with other parts of ourselves to balance its exaggeration. In this team psychological work, there's room for recognition, kindness, and compassion, alongside the very valid and necessary function of a "domesticated" superego that doesn't bite with primitive harshness what should be treated as delicately as crystal: our vulnerability.

We are imperfect beings doing the best we can. Far from being self-indulgence, this is a full recognition of our true nature. The challenge is to recognize the thin line between personal improvement and self-demand. If we become more aware each day and work sufficiently on ourselves, we can manage ourselves better in an environment of serenity, overcoming pointless battles that lead nowhere.