Our life is the result of our habits

Without a doubt, our life is the result of the habits we maintain daily. Day after day, we repeat routines that shape our quality of life. From how we eat, whether we engage in physical activity, how we invest our time, or how we talk to ourselves, these habits, sustained over time, shape the health of our body, the outcomes we achieve, and how we treat ourselves. We have behavioral, emotional, and cognitive habits. Undoubtedly, all are important and interrelated. Nowadays, it is well understood that the health of the body and mind are inseparable. However, on this occasion, I would like to focus on emotional and thought habits.

The importance of emotional and thought habits

When we talk about habits, we tend to associate them with routines such as the time we get up, the time we go to bed, how much physical activity we do, and how we eat. This definition of habit overlooks other invisible habits, yet they are so powerful that they shape the skeleton of our personality and define not only how we treat others but also how we treat ourselves.

Frequently and almost without realizing it, we get used to treating ourselves poorly, to disqualifying ourselves, to taking ourselves for granted, to thinking badly of others, to complaining, to criticizing, to thinking negatively, to getting angry easily, to tolerating too much, to postponing what is good for us, to delaying putting an end to what harms us, to being in places and with people who hurt us, to saying no before hearing the proposal.

It may seem strange, but yes… all these are also habits that, added up and sustained over time, result in the relationship we maintain with ourselves and with others. The good news is that a habit is absolutely reversible. Just as we can become accustomed, we can unaccustomed ourselves. The plasticity of our brain allows us to do this. A habit is maintained by a certain neuronal connection that could be represented as follows:

"Whenever X, then Z..."

• Whenever I am praised, I underestimate the compliment.
• Whenever I want to say no, I end up saying yes.
• Whenever I make a mistake, I criticize myself excessively.
• Whenever I succeed, I overlook it and do not congratulate myself as much as I criticize.

Being willing to modify our emotional and cognitive habits involves making a kind of personal inventory. As private detectives of ourselves, we begin to observe in which situations, in front of which people, or under what circumstances that habit "triggers". Observing our habits allows us to create a distance between ourself and our automatisms. When we become aware of everything we do without realizing it, we can gradually move from automatic reaction to chosen response. Freeing ourselves from an unhealthy habit involves exercising the ability to decide and taking control ourselves. When this happens, the fixed neuronal connection "Whenever X, then Y" expands, becomes more flexible, and gives way to previously unconsidered options:

"Whenever X, then Y, but it could also be Z, and perhaps H, or W, and why not Q."

This diversity broadens our personality and increases a range of options. According to how we feel when adopting different habits, we can install new ones and leave behind the old ones.

How are they installed? Through conscious repetition of what is good for us and discontinuing what harms us and prevents us from progressing.

Unraveling and Re-knitting Differently

If we think of personality as a large hand-knitted cloak, each of its stitches represents our repeated habits, which, added together, give it shape and size. If the shape has become distorted or the cloak has cracked, the only option is to unravel and re-knit it differently, using the same yarn. It's about learning to combine the same elements differently. We don't need to change ourselves but rather start to behave in a new way... answer more kindly if we tend to be aggressive, learn to praise ourselves if we're in the habit of criticizing ourselves, accept a compliment if we always underestimate it, practice patience if we're usually intolerant, refrain from criticizing and speaking too much if we're used to judging, say no where we used to say yes, and say yes where we used to say no, speak to ourselves more lovingly if we're used to mistreating ourselves in our internal dialogues, move away from places we no longer want to be just because we're there for the sake of it.

This review and updating of our habits is a non-delegable craft. A therapist helps to illuminate the dark parts, to question what has become naturalized, to point out the unhealthy, to propose what our rusted habits prevent us from seeing, but it's up to each individual to roll up their sleeves and work on their cloak, day by day, week by week, year after year. Knitting with the knowledge that we can unravel provides peace of mind, as well as an opportunity to improve continuously. The problem is not making a mistake in the stitch; the problem arises when we fail to stop and observe, continuing out of ignorance to knit in the wrong way.

The Importance of Observing Our Habits

I invite you to occasionally pause, to observe how your habits are shaping your lives, your relationships, how coherent they are with the goals you want to achieve, how much happiness and satisfaction they bring you...

• If this reflection is positive, continue with your good habits, which will surely lead you in the desired direction.
• If the balance is negative, if you are not satisfied with what you see and the results you are getting in your life... review the rows of stitches that need to be unraveled to resume with more clarity, paying more attention to each stitch, because the difference lies in the awareness of the knitter, rather than in the factory-made yarn.

Even with the prettiest yarn, if we tie knots messily and, instead of examining them, insist on tightening and reinforcing them, no cloak can end up delicate. On the other hand, if we knit our habits consciously and repeat them regularly so that they settle in, surely, when observed together, they will form a cloak that is not only beautiful but also coherent and meaningful.

A dignified and fruitful life is the result of good habits knitted and sustained with awareness, knowing to set aside laziness and the inertia of always doing the same simply because we do not question and repeat what we are accustomed to, trapped by our habits.