The Importance of Our Attachment Style in Our Romantic Relationships

Our attachment style is formed very early in life and is based on how we bond (even from the womb) with our first caregivers. The quality of this bond will decisively mark the way we relate to our closest connections, especially when forming and maintaining a romantic relationship.

Identifying our attachment style allows us to be attentive to not damaging our current relationships due to traumas or difficulties that marked us in childhood.

There are four attachment styles, and each one determines a particular way of thinking, feeling, and acting in our relationships. Let’s look at each one in detail.

Secure Attachment

When a person has a secure attachment style, they navigate their romantic relationship in a confident and relaxed manner. They feel comfortable with their autonomy and allow their partner to have their independence. They know when to seek support and offer containment when their partner is distressed. This bonding style does not mean that everything will always go smoothly. People who relate under this dynamic resolve conflicts and disagreements with emotional maturity. The difference is not whether they argue or not but in “how” they argue, in the terms in which they treat each other. They can talk about what they think and feel and give each other space when needed. They openly demonstrate love, there is emotional security and reciprocity.

This attachment style is the "expected" and healthiest one. It is forged when parents provide a “secure base.” This means that the child, although happy to be with mom and dad, also feels confident enough to “go out” and explore the world on their own. They know they can take some distance and that, upon returning, mom and dad will be there physically and, above all, emotionally. Their first bonding experience is “secure,” solid, and stable.

Children grow up this way when their parents are securely united and when they use a solid and consistent parenting style. This means they are involved and firm, but also warm and allow independence. That's why setting boundaries and being consistent is so important. Children feel “seen” and safe with clear guidelines.

Setting limits and being consistent is very important. Children feel "seen" and secure with clear guidelines.

Distant-Avoidant Style

When a person has this attachment style, they are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and tend to distance themselves from others at the slightest hint of injury or rejection. They find it difficult to "feel close" and to build trusting relationships. They tend to be emotionally independent, perhaps too much so. They pride themselves on not needing anyone. They usually have "romantic" relationships that are intense at the beginning but lack real depth. They are adept at distancing themselves from people they are involved with when they realize they are spending more time than necessary or the relationship feels deeper than they can handle.

The distant-avoidant style is understandable as it is associated with having had negligent or absent parents and having suffered situations of explicit or implicit rejection. They may also have experienced rejection in their first interactions with peer groups.

The truth is, although they may not be able to create intimacy in their relationships, it doesn't mean they don't really want to achieve it. Even the most elusive and disdainful people feel happier and better about themselves when they are accepted and have meaningful relationships with others.

Anxious-Preoccupied Style

People who relate under this attachment dynamic start their relationships very effusively. Within a few days of meeting someone, they feel like they've found "the love of their life" and put all their energy and expectations into that relationship. In a tunnel vision-like manner, they lose sight of other interests, and their entire universe revolves around their budding relationship. If the relationship thrives, they need continuous emotional reassurance from their partners. They constantly seek proximity and intimacy. They can be invasive, intense, and too demanding. Due to their insecurities, they are often very jealous and possessive with their partners. They exert such control that they end up "suffocating" the relationship and exhausting the other with their continuous demands. Due to such high levels of anxiety, people with this attachment style really suffer. They constantly doubt being loved, feel dependent, and fear being abandoned. This situation is reinforced when the person they are attached to shows little interest or is very confident and self-assured.

This attachment style is associated with parenting perceived as annoying, inconsistent, and insecure. Their caregivers often act in their own interest, not in the child's.

They experience separation anxiety. As a result, children tend to stay close to their attachment figure for fear of their absence, which they often experience as abandonment. This tension diverts their attention and energy from exploring their surroundings. They are very dependent children and not easy to calm.

Disorganized Style

This attachment dynamic combines the avoidant and anxious styles. The person often feels confused and continuously sends contradictory messages. They seek to distance themselves and at the same time long for more connection with their love interest. They fear fully trusting others, yet they need approval and validation. They often deny their feelings or are reluctant to express them. At the same time, they are more jealous and tend to perceive a greater threat from potential romantic rivals.

People under the influence of this attachment style have generally experienced losses or traumas. For example, children who grow up with parents who suffer from addictions or are intrusive or insensitive authority figures are more likely to develop this relationship mode. This makes sense because they live in an environment where safety and closeness are not guaranteed. An unpredictable environment creates uncertainty and confusion, leaving the child unsure whether to distance themselves or approach their authority figure. The paradox is that the person who should be caring causes harm. The child confuses closeness and affection with pain and suffering.

What is Ours and What is Others'?

Recognizing what is ours and differentiating it from what belongs to others prevents us from falling into excesses and blaming others for our own impossibilities and shortcomings. When we repeat the same pattern in different relationships, it is best to pause and start working on ourselves.

Only when we manage to feel secure and confident, worthy of being loved, can we then begin to establish healthy relationships.

The more aware we are of our wounds and our softer areas, the more we can face them without denying them, the better we can reinterpret them and take away the power they exercise from our unconscious. We can begin to choose how to relate when we stop reacting from our survival instinct and our desperation for not feeling sufficient or worthy of love.

The more conscious we are of our wounds and of our softer areas, the more we can face them without denying them, the better we can reinterpret them and take away the power they exercise from our unconscious.