Harmony of Mind, Heart, and Action
Much of our ailments and psychological discomfort come from a mismatch between what we think, feel, say, and then do. The more aligned these four actions are, the more in tune and satisfied we are with the life we lead. Thus, we achieve emotional coherence.
Maintaining coherence between thinking, feeling, saying, and doing is a terribly difficult challenge to sustain over time. So do not be discouraged—we are merely human!
Who hasn't thought one thing, felt the opposite, and done the contrary, or promised themselves something and done the inverse the next day, or felt very contradictory and incompatible emotions? To avoid torturing ourselves or feeling unique and strange, it's important to recognize that humans are extraordinarily complex and contradictory by nature, given their psychic constitution.
To understand what happens when we cannot understand ourselves and even less agree with ourselves, it's necessary to know how our mind works and the structure of our brain. Transpersonal Psychology and Neuroscience offer us some answers. Thus, I will try to clarify this topic by looking at the brain's structure (our biology) and the complexity of the mind (our psychology).
So, to the question: Why is it so difficult for us to feel in coherence with what we think and act in coherence with what we feel?
The answer would be that we are extremely complex and sophisticated! Evolution has provided humans with the most external and recent layer on the evolutionary scale, called the Neocortex (new cortex). This area of the brain has the highest volume of specialized neurons and enables functions that characterize us as the most specialized human animals, such as thinking, imagining, and anticipating. These capabilities, when well managed, are sources of creativity, rationality, and insight. But when we do not use them correctly, they subject us to emotional states of anxiety, depression, obsession, and exaltation. That is, we can use our capacity for imagination to create a beautiful painting, to set up a novel enterprise, or to imagine the worst future scenarios and deeply anguish ourselves with the images that invade our minds.
Our upbringing, education, and the process of cultural and social massification outline the way we use these functions. If we had a very overprotective upbringing, for example, we might "anticipate" risks where others do not see them. If the culture in which we develop promoted certain values to the detriment of others, we will tend to "think" that "this is right" and "that is wrong".
Triune Brain
The contradiction between what we think and feel and then do often stems from the friction generated between very different brain areas, all valuable and necessary for our functioning. Each of these instances has its own needs and laws. To delve into each of them exceeds this article. For now, it matters that it is clear that our brain is divided into three, forming consecutive layers from least to most complexity:
1—Reptilian or Visceral Brain: This is the oldest instance of the brain and is present in reptiles. It responds to the survival instinct, is characterized by mechanical and programmed action, and is governed by fear.
2—Limbic or Emotional Brain: This is present in mammals. With this acquisition, emotions and desires emerge. Feelings govern the brain.
3—Neocortex Brain: This is present to a lesser extent in evolved mammals and is fully developed in human beings. It gives rise to more complex thought processes and is governed by reasoning.
The structure and organization of the brain allow us to see the traces of the evolution of all living beings, from the reptile to the human being. Our brain includes all our ancestors, our less rational and more impulsive behaviors remind us of the most primitive and powerful creatures that dwell within us.
Biology discards nothing. This perspective invites us to have a more compassionate and kind view of ourselves, understanding that many of the behaviours that affect us, limit us, or embarrass us have had a reason to exist in history. From this survival impulse, they are expressed and resist being changed.
Working on oneself allows us to "expand consciousness" and, from there, manage these instances with lucidity. To put them in dialogue with each other and reach healthier agreements.
We often find that our more visceral and emotional part contradicts another part that judges and evaluates according to what it considers correct and incorrect. As a result of its learning and conditioning, this rational part of us decrees, criticizes, and condemns.
If we look at animals, even children who are still devoid of such brain complexity, we notice they are simpler and freer in their actions: they are sleepy, they sleep; they are annoyed, they show it; they dislike something, they say no. In contrast, adults who have already been formatted and indoctrinated: “want to say no to something”, and from there stem hundreds of alternatives and questionings… “if I say no, they will get angry”, “if I say yes, then they will not accept a no as an answer”, “I say yes, but I will go with a bad predisposition and will have a bad time”, “I say no, but then stay at home feeling guilty for not going…” Shall we continue? It's exhausting just reading it!
What solution do we find to end this internal conflict and debate?
If we think one thing and feel another... What do we do? This discord increases incoherence and internal friction. So, what is the healthy way to resolve the conflict? The answer will depend on how much, in what situations, and how frequently I resolve the internal debate by paying attention to what I feel or what I think.
What is not healthy is the stereotyped behaviour of falling into extremes in which I “only” do what I feel or “only” do what I think. In duality and polarity lies the conflict. When we ONLY do one thing and suppress the other, we act mechanically, repeat, and become highly predictable. “We are always the same way.” Therefore, the debate and contradiction are not reduced to choosing reason or emotion.
Discernment
The traditions of the East bring us an ancient tool that is very valuable for resolving our internal dilemmas, called: “The jewel of Discernment,” a valid resource to work on ourselves and resolve conflicts in which we often lose ourselves. We can access this valuable resource if we learn to enable the “Internal Witness” within ourselves. This Internal Witness is established with perseverance and the practice of self-observation in everyday life. It is a part of us that observes with clarity everything that moves in our internal world. It is established above the contradictions and flies over situations with an optimal distance that allows us to contemplate events with a non-judgmental and non-critical gaze. It could be compared to the flight of a bird that, from above, can contemplate the entire landscape without altering its flight. Thus, this Internal Witness only observes, registers, and “discerns” one thing from another: it distinguishes feeling from thinking, our true nature from our conditionings and mandates, what we want from what we are accustomed to, etc. It is about listening with kindness to what we feel and with respect to what we think. From an equanimous gaze, recognizing that both experiences are valid, that feeling is not less valuable than thinking (although in Western culture, a cult has been made to thought and reason), attending to our emotions is crucial so as not to alienate ourselves from ourselves and get lost in the infinite “shoulds.”
Discernment allows us to clarify much of the confusion that presents itself and that we debate until we are exhausted, often senselessly... It helps us to “realize” what is what in the tangle of our thoughts and decide according to what is most convenient for “that occasion,” in “that moment.” Which makes us more flexible and in tune with the present moment. For example, we might feel that we do not want to attend an event and respect that emotion by knowing how to say no and not feel like a bad person for it. Assuming the risk that someone may dislike our decision, but of course, our life does not depend on it… doing what we feel without unnecessarily forcing ourselves will be a good decision. Now, I might also feel like quitting college because I'm too lazy to study, but the consequences of letting myself be carried away by what I feel at that moment will have more significant repercussions than not attending an event, right? I would be putting a life project at risk. Perhaps here, it would be more convenient to act according to what we “think” is convenient, without suppressing what we feel but being aware of it and trying to manage those emotions that make it difficult to sustain a desired project.
Thinker or Feeler?
Some people are more comfortable in the world of reason and function largely according to “what is appropriate” and the “shoulds,” even learning to worship them. Others, on the other hand, swim like a fish in water in their emotional seas, being solely faithful to what they feel. The important thing is to understand that we should not choose one position or the other. What is healthy is the “integration” of emotion and reason into a harmonious whole where both instruments must play, each in its own time and at its appropriate intensity. If we operate only based on what “is appropriate,” we will be automatons determined by external rules and arbitrary conventions. If we only respond to our desires and feelings, we will feel free at first, but over time slaves to our irrational impulses and poorly planned decisions.
We are coherent if we are conscious. We are conscious if we prepare ourselves to observe ourselves, take charge, and make our own decisions after making a synthesis that considers the dimension of feeling and thinking. Discernment smooths the path to removing the superfluous and the nonsensical and uncovering what is important and transcendent for us.
Sowing coherence to harvest virtue
Once that internal friction is resolved, we will seek to be as “coherent” as possible regarding the actions in which our decisions manifest. Why this conceptual separation? Because it is significant… the word “coherent” means to inherit from ourselves. That is, our actions are inherited from our thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts and feelings are inherited from our values. The most valuable inheritance is what we can inherit from ourselves, from the coherence that we can add and gain as we question and reflect on our own life. When I say “one’s own life,” I refer to what is truly transcendent for each individual, which, of course, may differ from what may be fundamental for another person. The debate and confrontation that only concerns the “shoulds” and “would” of the chaotic mind oriented towards the exterior and other people's expectations only adds confusion and internal imbalance.
Working day after day to be more coherent with ourselves, our essence, our true desires, our dreams, and our values is to approach an integrative and self-realizing outlook. From here, feeling, thinking, saying, and doing can coexist without tirelessly battling among themselves.
I encourage you to ask yourself every night at the end of your day, in silence and privacy: How coherent was I today? Does it align with what I want to inherit from myself in the future? With these questions present in your life, you should already feel proud of yourself...
The one who asks these questions is that eternal and deep instance that “knows us”: the Essence. Respectful and understanding of how difficult it is to be a human being and admiring of those who strive to improve and unfold themselves. This intimate core from the depths approaches and questions us with a calm and serene voice. It is very different from another much more severe instance, with which we often confuse it, that interrogates and demands with a critical gaze and that we know as the “super-ego” (also known as the little bird drilling into our head…). Both have a voice, but they tell us completely different things: the first encourages us, and the second demands and criticizes. Listening to the voice of the Essence is like distinguishing the sound of a music box in the middle of a bustling metalworking shop. It’s difficult, but its sound guides us and helps us not to lose ourselves.
Reason or emotion? The answer is consciousness and integration to inherit actions that are coherent with our desires and values.